Welcome to Gaia! ::

Alright, this is one topic I'm pretty sure everyone has a view on.

Up until last July, I was engaged to a young woman, I made the mistake of jumping into it without much thought, and was a bit deep into teh relationship when it was discovered, we were teh worst possible match. With Mia, my ex, I settled for less. I was "In love with love" at that point, and just wanted to love someone, didn't really care about who. This woman was intelligent and beautiful, but she was not Christian, and actually quite ill-tempered toward Christianity(still is). Talk about a learning experience. The engagement was broken off less than a month after it was fully agreed upon.

Now, almost a year later, I am faced with the possibility of marriage, again. This time, thankfully, I am sure that it is actually love I am feeling, and not just the want thereof. I met this young woman around May, we chatted on occasion, but not much serious. after Mia and I broke up, I wanted to lend my thoughts to seperate exercises, to lay off of relationships for awhile. Ha, yeah right.

I was spending much more time with Ro, and I actually had to try not to fall for her. I started searching for qualities in her that I did not desire, a vice, something to tell me she's not worth hurting over again. She's gorgeous, Christian, intelligent, funny, carries almost teh exact same views on worship and family that I have. For every quality I could want in a woman, she leaves nothing to be desired. Around late September, I gave up. I asked her out to lunch, and we sat down and talked for all of 7 hours at Fazolis. Seven hours.

I couldn't believe how well I got along with her, even with Mia, I couldn't stand discussion with her for more than that, and with Ro, I didn't want to stop. I desired every spare moment I could with her, I couldn't stand class because that was a few hours I wasn't with her, talking, holding her. In December, she went up to sped Christmas with her family. That was teh worst pain I ever felt. When Mia broke off teh engagement, I was deeply saddened. When I went without Ro for a few days, I decided I needed to make teh four hour drive north to spend the rest of Christmas break with her.

In short, I love her, and she loves me. for every possible question related to relationships, we mesh extremely well. I full well believe that the experiences in my own life, and hers, were meant to prepare the two of us for this. We both had similar hardships while being raised, same bad relationships, everything.

And, as one would expect, I want to marry her. But, because of past mistakes, I don't know for sure wether I'm repeating past mistakes.

So, for discussion, what should one think about before marriage, what are the mental preparations, and for fun, any cool wedding ideas?

^ This is so different from your relationship with Mia, from what you described. It sounds like you've already spent a considerable amount of time thinking about this (I'm SURE you have), and you see the differences.

That said, prayer. mass prayer. Marriage is for the rest of your life. Make sure you want that (which it sounds like you do wink ) and make sure that GOD wants that.

of course, from the sounds of things, I really think I should just be saying congratulations..... mrgreen


Other stuff:

make it your own. The best weddings I've ever been to have had something about them with great meaning to the couple--my friend Marli had two of her best friends sing a song during their ceremonies, and they both included their fathers in the ceremony and a blessing of the marriage. It was so sweet.......(lol...I'm a sucka for all things romantic...)

Give yourself enough time to plan for it. seriously. Marli's wedding was huge, tons of people, and she hardly felt like she had enough time to plan it and ENJOY planning it and being engaged.

and make sure you get a good cake. Carrot Cake is not acceptable....it just isn't.

[ Message temporarily off-line ]

My advice...

1. Consult God (as stated, and you probably already are, but just to say that I said so)

2. If you do get engaged, make it a long engagement. Engagement allows people to get an idea of what it may be like to get married. All your friends and family see you as soon to be married, rather than in a relationship. And you may be able to perceive a bit more of what they're feeling, and how you really feel, through that.

3. Definately get counseling before you get married. Lots of it. Personally, I'm not all for counseling, but seeing this situation, I support it. I had a girlfriend like that once, we got along beautifully, everything was just wonderful. We'd be able to spend all day together, then talk on the phone until 5 AM. But one day, I woke up, and I felt that I wasn't meant to be with her. Out of the blue, just like that. And, needless to say, I broke it off. We're still best friends and everything, but you can't pull that off when you're married. Being so like-minded may lead to ALOT of very serious marital issues. It would be best to discover these before you get married, and to analyze them thoroughly. Because as it goes, "There is no perfect marriage." Meaning that there will ALWAYS be differences and if you don't know what those differences are, or may be when entering a marriage, thats a pandoras box you don't want to take chances with.

4. Pray lots.

5. Being alike and sharing views alike doesn't mean you'll live together the same. Spending 7 hours together can't really be used to judge whether or not you want to spend your lives together. When halo 2 first came out, I tried it once, and immediately got up, went to toys r us, bought an x-box and my own copy, and played for 20 hours straight. Not that I'm placing your relationship on the same level, its just the principle. You may be fascinated or infatuated with each other, which isn't such a bad thing, but those things don't last forever. If thats ANY source of fuel for your marriage, you're in for serious issues.
You have to be certain that you're not inspired by feelings that may not last. Which is what I fear I may see from what you've told me so far... and which is also why I'm supporting counseling in this case.

6. Pray more.

7. Different religious beliefs = marriage slaughterer. Simply put. Don't believe me? You'll find out soon enough. When the kids come around, when a nosey church member gets involved, when the slightest little thing tips the scale... you're in for a rollercoaster of pain...

8. You can't pray enough...


extras: Okay, as for the "cliched" white dress at weddings, the white is representative in the ceremony as "purity". Which, as you can imagine, means she's a virgin and a good christian and blah blah blah. Which alot of people hold to high respect, but eh, if not, it's your wedding, your ceremony, do as you wish. Just make sure that it's not viewed as her being... "unpure"... by certain people...

mmk, my girlfriend is going to pull sources on the white dress thing, false.

But my parents were married different beliefs, my father was Baptist, my mother SDA. 26 years later? Still married. And as for "Different Religious beliefs", we don't. We were raised in different churches, big whoop, but we are both Christian, and both agree heavily on a number of things Under Christianity. Why? We're Christian. I dunno how many times I need to repeat this in this guild, but denominations are bunk. We both see and accept this, what's left to question?

And please, using a video Game as an analogy to marriage? Video games were made strictly for mild amusement, Marriage is teh everlasting covenant blessed by God. Where are you seeing the connection?

And people saw us as a couple before we did. I have friends who have been planning our wedding for months, before she even fell in love with me. The Head of teh Theatre Department at DSC states full well thta we aren't even Human until we're 25, thus incapable of making a decision of this calibre. What's his statement on us? We're "Engaged to be Engaged". Regardless of what status we are on currently, we're the only people that aren't calling it engaged.

as well the fact, if anyone is going to make blatent assumations about the brides purity based solely off the color of her dress, odds are that we wont like this person enough to invite them anyway, much less consider their viepoint all that important.

ooon to you...



That's kind of what I meant... forgive my poor wording, as I was rather relaxed with my speach on this topic. I didn't think my statements would be analyzed to this point, or taken this seriously. But that's the idea I was trying to get across, with my statement "...soon to be married, rather than in a relationship." I worded it like that to try and display the idea of a change in the overall relationship by being engaged. And how you begin to prepare to be married, rather than continue in a just a dating relationship. But yeah, pretty much just tried to say what you said with poor wording. I'm sorry for any misunderstandings...



Umm... as stated, things like infatuation. That's the idea I was trying to get across with Halo 2. I was infatuated with it. But, of course, my feelings faded, as in most infatuations. And I'll say this again, so that I'm not misinterpreted again Not that I'm placing your relationship on the same level, its just the principle. I was just trying to illustrate how alot of people enter marriage upon infatuation with one another, and as a result, well, more than half of the people that get married get divorced. And I'm not saying that you two are infatuated, but hey, it seems like a possiblity in my far from expert opinion...



Perhaps. In my far from expert opinion again, I just see it as the number one issue that should be solved before entering a marriage... as in trying to predict the greatest possible problem that may arise from it, and try to solve it before hand (and in my mind, that would be marrying someone who has the same beliefs, but of course, you're not me, and you're PERFECTLY entitled to your own beliefs, including believing that you're able to get over this issue, and I'm not trying to incline that you can't in any manner, I'm sure that you're perfectly capable. I'm just stating my opinion as reasoning to why I may have come across so bluntly and seemingly close-minded) . Sure you may work through it, but it was always registered in my mind as something that shouldn't be a problem when married. But hey, perhaps I should be a little more open minded to marrying outside of my beliefs...

And to clear this up now, I see myself as a Christian as well. I am deeply against denominations, but I do refer to myself as a SDA. Saying that I am SDA represents most of my beliefs and summarizes them, instead of saying that I'm a Christian, because many Christians can believe many different things, and I don't want anyone to mistake what I believe. Which happens anyway when I state myself as an SDA, but less so than if I were to just state that I'm a Christian.



Interesting, I must say... I retract my previous statement, and apologize... and I apologize for 2 reasons. One being that I displayed false information. The other being that it seems to me that what I said may have been interpreted as me implying something negative about the bride, which was quite far from what I was trying to say. I was just trying to state why white was so cliched, and apparently, I was wrong. But yeah... sorry.

He's fairly protective of me (with good reason). There have been some insinuations that he doesn't really love me, that I'm not a good person, that sort of thing. And so, while he won't get too defensive when comments are directed at him, the slightest hint that someone is criticizing me gets full protective mode.