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 Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 12:47 am
This is about the third draft for a small section of the first chapter for one of my... I guess you could call it a story. But unfortunately It appears that I'm stuck in a rut. I continue to write the same words in a different order. Please could you help.
Prologue
A Love That Is Denied Only Grows Stronger…
A small, black clad figure stood looking through one of the panelled windows in the entrance way. Her sleek, black wings folded neatly at her back and a cloak thrown over her soaking wet shoulders. Outside the storm raged around the mighty castle that had been turned into one of the most prestigious schools. Lighting lit the small teenagers face up, showing the lines that one of her age shouldn’t have as it was reflected by the small metal necklace around her neck. Her deep purple eyes reflected inner chaos that mirrored the stormy nights sky.
Hearing footsteps behind her Ravyn slowly turned to be met by the sight of one of the stern head teachers. She inclined her head as a sign of respect, her wings rustling slightly with this movement.
“Follow me please” said the teacher in an equally stern voice as the look on his face. Ravyn swept her wet, short silver streaked black hair out of her eyes with a gloved hand and followed silently. She could feel her heart pounding against her ribs as she walked but tried her hardest to, at least, keep her composure calm and cool. So focused on this was she that she didn’t notice that the teacher had stopped so Ravyn almost walked right into him. “Wait here” he said and proceeded through a small door hidden within the intricate pattern on the larger doors.
Ravyn looked around her, feeling her stomach alive with fluttering little beasties that most would call nerves. She paced slightly, her footsteps echoing sharply around the hall. Stopping she started to fiddle with her carved silver ring on her left hand. She needed to talk to the head master NOW. Soon they would trace her here and..and, she didn't want to think about what would happen next. Nervously she looked around, as if they would pounce out of the very walls around her. Don't be silly she thought. They cant jump out of walls. Those were only stories that mothers told to their naughty children at night. Looking back at the door before her, she could hear the hurried footsteps of the headmaster just beyond them. A sigh of relief escaped her lips.
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Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 12:31 pm
Okay...I'm going to release the bad first. Your being to forwardly descriptive. You obvioulsy know exactly what your doing when you put together your character, but there's no layers to your descriptions...it's just...there. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:
"He was a gorgeous man with a straight strong nose and dark entrancing eyes. His hair was long for the current fashion, but bright with highlights."
That's worse than yours(forgive me, I read a lot of romance as well...) but you could connect a lot of your descriptions. Let's take from the first paragraph.
"A small, black clad figure stood looking through the panelled windows in teh entrance way. Her sleek, black wings folded neatly at her back and a cloak thrown over her soaking wet shoulders."
Now, I'm going to change it(forgive me, I realize I sound like a teacher you'd want to murder, but I hope this gives you a little more perspective of what I'm saying.):
"She stood, a black clad figure, gazing through the panelled windows of the entrance way. Sleek, black wings folded neatly along her back covered by the soggy cloak that covered her equally wet shoulder."
Now the good- you've got some good foreshadowing and a settting that really sets the mood. Not to mention, the little character developement you inserted in this prologue bodes well for Ravyn.
Warning- cliches are rampant so far in this opening, try to twist them some more as you continue.
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Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:26 pm
Thank you so much. This has really helped me see what I've done wrong. Again, many thanks.
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Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 4:14 pm
Nice to be of service- I'm available if you ever want more.
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