Welcome to Gaia! ::

First of all, I'm not volunteering for the "mentor" position. Not because I'm opposed to it, but because I'm unqualified for it.

On the other hand, I've been through a few things similar to this ... okay, not to the same extent, but similar. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to share a few of my own thoughts on your points. And I'll take them as your points.

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1. Well, at the rate you're going ... I hate to say this, but you are. Doubting God is a great intellectual exercise, but it can easily lead to deciding God's a liar. And if you don't trust Him ... He won't help you.

Fortunately, it's not too difficult to increase faith. Truth is, you're doing it now.

2. I can't speak for "everyone you love", but I'll take you at your word there. Even so ... what makes you think you'll see them? Hell's a pretty big place. Even if you do see them, you really want some of them yelling "this is all your fault! You didn't invite me to church!" or whatever at you for the next few thousand millenia? Personally, I wouldn't want that. And that's on top of the fire, the sulphur, the smoke, and so forth.

3. Well, good. Self-importance vs. His sovereignty is a struggle for humans. Best answer I can give you is this one: He's in charge. Period. If He wants you at a given spot, doing a given thing, He's chosen you for a reason. If He wants you somewhere else, doing nothing more than biding your time, then He's doing that for a reason as well. That whole "God works for the good of those that love Him" business also applies to them that only stand and wait and twiddle their thumbs.

4. Yeah, that's a toughie. It's hard to love anyone we don't "see" on a regular basis. It can still be done, of course, but yeah, it's hard. But I suspect you're closer to loving Him than you realize. I mean, I'm not trying to sound funny here, but ... well, I could almost draw a few dozen parallels between what you say about your relationship with Him and what husbands and wives say when they go in for marital counseling ('cause they're trying to save their marriage). Looks to me like you're trying to save your faith ... and that means that it still matters to you.

4.5. Heh ... focus on number 4 before you get to 4½.

5. Well, maybe He isn't "at work". Or maybe you're not at work. I mean ... this is just me, but if God wanted me to go downtown and talk to somebody this morning, but instead I came to work (not that I'm exactly essential right now) ... that would be me ignoring Him. And so, He's not working in me or through me right now.

On the other hand, maybe the work He's doing isn't something blatant and spiritual. Bear with me for a minute. If God wants you to, oh, acquire a certain skill He knows you'll need a year from now -- something non-spiritual -- then you'll probably not feel Him saying "yeah, get on fire for your algebra!" or whatever. That doesn't mean you're not where He wants you.

6. "Authentic" Christians? Never heard Paul's descriptions called that before. Oh, I'm not saying Paul was wrong, mind you, but I'll certainly say he was a bit ... strict. "Idealized" Christians might be a better term, in my mind. And you're right, you'll never measure up to Paul's standards.

Fortunately, Paul's not the one who judges. That's Jesus. And we all know how forgiving He is with people who honestly did their best. Heck, remember when Jesus berated some guy for a lack of faith? The man said "I do believe, but it's weak; please help strengthen my faith!" (Dragonbait's paraphrase). And Jesus certainly did help that man.

7. Egads. Do we sin because we're sinners, or are we sinners because we sin? I have to give you credit for a creative way of viewing it. Either way, though ... yeah, you could call Christianity a "work-based faith", if you wanted to be cynical about it.

I'm cynical the other way: Christianity is a work-based faith, and what it takes to get to Heaven is saying "God, I'm sorry; please help me" ... and meaning it. That's the "work" we have to do. But as far as the credit for success going to God ... that's who it should go to! I mean, going with my example here ... all I said was six words. What did He do? He did the whole "come to earth, work miracles, get badgered and arrested and pummeled and slaughtered in the most painful way imaginable, just to pay someone else's debt". Yeah, I'll give Him the credit there.

8. Okay, you already know that Satan himself believes in God, so that bit about "I believe in God, so I'm a Christian" is hogwash. Conquering the flesh? Well, that's something we have to do every day. As long as we have flesh, we're going to fight with it, pure and simple. And Christians are doing the fighting. Real Christians, who know they'll never match Paul's ideals, are struggling to overcome their fleshly desires every day ... not because they want to please Paul, or even because they want to win out over their flesh, but because they want to please Christ.

It's a fine line we must walk. Pretty much everything in our faith is a fine line. Jesus never promised it'd be easy. I'll give you an example. In Matthew, Jesus said, "I'm giving you the power to trample on snakes, and scorpions, and all the power of the enemy. But don't rejoice over that! Instead, be glad that your names are written in the book of Life." That is, He gave us incredible authority, but according to Him, that authority isn't the reason for celebration. The reason for celebration is the fact that He gave it.

In a worldly example ... my old teacher awarded me a black belt. Now, I could be glad that I got my belt, or I could be honored that this man, a teacher for many years and in multiple styles, decided I was good enough. The belt didn't matter; what it symbolized mattered.

9. Well, God not existing might simplify your spiritual instability, right? I mean, if He's not real, you don't have to worry about Him. People have been telling themselves that for centuries; that's why stores are selling "I love the woody" underwear to twelve-year-old girls. "God doesn't exist, because we say He doesn't exist, so we're going to do whatever we want". Yeah, brilliant. And people accuse Christians of circular logic?

As far as a God-less world ... you're right. That's a reason to be terrified. 'Cause that's Apolcalypse-time.

10. No, it's not. That can change, if you really want it to. But if you're too happy being miserable ... well, plan on being miserable. A lot of people are happy being miserable (I'm not just talking about emo folks, here), because it's easier. I'd rather struggle, myself. Even if I'm still miserable (which I'm not), at least I'm making an effort.

11. Cross-reference #10. We're all grounded in the world ... and I blame us. We have minds, we have hearts, we have souls ... but we focus on our bodies. Rather narrow-minded of us, in my opinion. We doubt the existence of the soul because we can't quantify it, and yet, so many people can experience difficulties in it, as you are?

Of course, to be fair, the practice of psychology is only about 150 years old or so. It's only that recently that we've formalized the study of the mind, which we can't deny exists. So I'm not too surprised that we haven't yet formalized the study of the soul. The soul's still there, though.

12. Never say never. I mean, something might happen next week to change your mind, or at least lighten your standards.

On one level, I have to agree with you. I don't consider myself a "doubting Thomas", but a skeptic -- regarding pretty much everything. I don't take anyone's word for anything; I want to do the research myself.

On the other hand ... I can't deny that there are, and will always be, things outside my experience. I've never had AIDS, but I don't question its existence. And for things within my experience, once I've done the research ... I've done it. I don't feel much need to repeat it because I've suddenly started doubting it. If that does happen, sure, I'll go back and relearn; I know my mind is limited.

13. "Unfair"? Well, skip back to #11. We interact so empirically, as you say, because we chose to do it, as a race. Culturally, we've decided to abandon our minds and souls -- our abstractions -- in favor of what we think is rock-solid. So we can't blame God for that one; it's our own fault.

As for Him hiding Himself ... what makes you think He does? He speaks to every individual, each differently, yet each with the same basic message: "Hey, I'm here, you know. You can talk to Me." It could be through conscience, it could be through a book, it could be through observing nature ... He doesn't hide.

He does limit what He shows us, it's true. We couldn't handle the whole thing. Some people have enough trouble accepting the idea that there is a God; to them, He just says, "I'm here". Some people accept His existence, but doubt that He cares. To them, He says, "hey, want to chat for a bit?" But nobody gets the whole thing at once.

14. I'm sorry, I've been nice so far, but ... this last bit reminds me of a little child looking at mommy and daddy and saying "if you loved me, you'd give me a cookie". What happens when the kid is diabetic? "No cookie for you, because I love you." "Waaaghhhh!"

If God is real ... then God is real! And the Bible is all about His love for us. But forget that! Look outside; we have air we can breathe, we have warmth and coolness in extremes and moderation, we have food from nearly any source, we have a world with which we can interact and people, other beings like ourselves, with whim we can interact. You think He did all of this just 'cause He thought it'd be pretty? No, He did it for us!

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"... there's way more to Christianity than I ever could have imagined ... "
Now that's probably the smartest thing I've seen in this guild, or it's predecessors, since I joined Gaia six years ago. Will you ever live up to it all? Probably not, because so much is ... well, add-ons created by humans. And those are the ones that cause trouble. But can you live a life that pleases God? Yes.

Praying and loneliness ... well, you're half right. It's you that feels that way, true, but I'd wager the devil's taking full advantage of that. The best thing I can tell you is, salvation ain't a feeling. Just because you're lonely doesn't mean you're alone.

And if the only reason you're reading the Bible is because you have a personal interest, that's great. 'Cause you do have a personal interest in it. You have about two dozen personal interests in it. Are you reading it for the story? For learning? For the sense of accomplishment? For seeing if God has anything to say to you? For answers? For entertainment?

Frankly, all of those are valid reasons to read the Bible. And no matter which one you claim, God can slip something in and tell you something He wants you to hear. All you have to do is open your eyes and stop blinding yourself.

You say you feel lost due to your inner conflict with God. And I have to say ... it sounds to me like you're the one who walked away from Him; of course you're gonna be lost. No, I'm not totally blaming you; this is a human thing, we all go through it at some point.

I can't say anything that will *snap* restore your walk with Him; that's between you and the Lord. I can say ... you can do it. You want to do it (obviously), He wants you to do it ... heck, He's holding out His arms and calling you right now! All you have to do ... is look to Him. Tell Him you have doubts, and ask Him for help ... then accept whatever form that help takes. He knows what you need and what you don't need, and He's more than happy to give it ... but He'll do it His way, and even then ... only if you truly want it.

On the other hand, if you're happy being miserable (it's funny how many people are like that) ... well, you don't have to do anything. Just keep torturing yourself and God by not looking at Him. Pretty easy, that. Nice and easy and lazy ...

Are you kidding? I always talk to my friends about God and have attempted to get them in church. Heck, I used to force them to come to my unofficial bible study that I had at my house. They have legitimate reasons for not accepting Christ - who am I to tell them they are wrong? Especially when I don't know, myself.

Also, I never said I wanted to join them in hell so I could frolic with them among the flames... I just don't want to enjoy heaven without them. If the people I love are suffering, then I want to suffer too.

It doesn't bother me to submit to a loving, powerful, and merciful God who wants the best for me. In fact, I'm a very obedient person in general.

Letting God be in charge is actually the easy route, considering that I'm so indecisive. I WANT a purpose in God's grand design.

But I just don't feel like I've received any signs from God. I don't know what he wants me to do. In the end, I find myself making my own decisions seeing as I can't wait around forever.

I even spent a year with baptist roommates who would constantly lie to themselves. The house we lived in, as they put it, was instructed by God to be used for ministry. In other words, God put them there. There was even a bunch of drama as to who was Christian enough to live in the house and who wasn't. Well, after the year was over... almost everyone decided to move out due to financial reasons or other factors. Also, no "ministry" occurred. Basically, we were just college kids enjoying cheap rent.

Those girls would go on about how they only "go" where God tells them to go; and they don't move until God moves them again. But that was all crap. At the end of the year, each of the girls made practical decisions for themselves that were based on comfort, convenience, and common sense. None of it had to do with God. And honestly, that's just part of being human. It's so blended in with our intuition that it's impossible for us to be any different. Even with divine guidance.

And as for the self-importance aspect -> I do have some innate form of dignity. Not that I pride myself above others or God, but that I'm tired of viewing myself as a "worthless human" underseving of God's mercy.

I mean, sure - when you compare me to God.. I'm nothing without him. But I don't regret it. I mean, I don't HATE myself. Being human is all I've ever known and it wasn't my choice; so I'm more understanding and forgiving of human error. I don't try to be perfect or sinless. I just try to do the right thing from a Godly perspective.

But the new testament says that Christians are changed from the inside out - that we are no longer the sinners we once were. But that's bullcrap. All that's different is our desires and intentions. We still sin daily. It's inescapable.

I have been on my hands and knees, face-down in the middle of my floor screaming, crying, and begging for God to tell me what he wants me to do.. and I still have no clue. A person can only wait for so long before they start making temporary decisions for themself.

Is it really that simple? I have no problem whatsoever admitting my faults. I DO need help. I AM sorry for any bad thing I've done in God's eyes. But I won't change. I am who I am. I can try as hard as I want, but I'm set in my ways. I'm always trying to improve of course.. but I'll never be without issues. Nobody will.

I have no idea what you're trying to say.



I never said that I didn't believe in the soul. Most of my rant was just how I've been feeling ever since changing churches.

You think I question God's love because he didn't give me a "cookie" ? I ask nothing of God. I don't pray for him to bless me. I don't expect to be blessed. My questioning comes from my changing perspective of God. Based on my church, roommates, and peers... I'm beginning to feel like I don't matter to God. I'm looking for reassurance and biblical reminders. Obviously, there's a present yearning to be close to God.

Sometimes I feel unloved by my own parents, and that's because they don't say "I love you". I'm just the kind of person who depends on words of affirmation. I want to be held and loved on. The picture of God my current church paints isn't like that. Over and over I hear how it's "not about me". Well.. to what extent? If God doesn't need me, then why did he create me? I don't understand.