I am editing the first chapter of my story and can't decide which opening paragraph to use...
The first one is shorter and doesn't describe as much, but the second one seems really forced. gonk I can't decide
so could anyone give me their opinion?
((the bracketed number is the word count))
1. My breath formed hazy clouds around my head as I grumbled and growled to the trees surrounding me. The creaking and popping of limbs and the crunching of working feet was the only sound in the white early-morning silence. Scrunching up my nose, I blew onto my thinly gloved hands in an effort to keep warm. Why am I always stuck in the back orchard? It’s so cold back here that even the fire plums are half frozen! Looking around me at the other workers, I watched their thin bodies shaking amongst the late-winter frost. A young girl whimpered to her mother, her tiny hands clutching the woman’s worn skirt. I looked down at my own dirty hands, stained brown and calloused from work; wondering what it felt like to have a parent there for you. Is it really all that great?
Laughing to myself, I picked up my basket again; ignoring the strange looks coming from the other workers. [160]
2. A thick fog guarded my feet as I wandered from tree to tree, my basket quickly growing heavier with time. Cursing my ill fortune, silver clouds followed my breath into the cold air; their vapor heavily laden with words unspoken. Why must I always be assigned to the back orchard? It is so cold back here, even the fire plums are half frozen! Scrunching up my nose, I blew onto my thinly gloved hands in an effort to keep warm. After sticking my hands in my pockets and safely stowing my basket on an upturned root, I turned my attention to the other workers, their thin bodies shaking violently amongst the late-winter frost. Finally, my gaze settled on an elderly man of eighty years, and once a widely respected teller of stories. Now, he mumbles to himself in languages as lost to time as his mind and teeth. Besides the old men, the workers picked for this far off task are mainly ex-convicts taken in as free labor. Most, by winters end, turn out to be more expensive then they let on. The rest of us unfortunate folk are either hated by the farmer’s wife, or just plain unlucky. I suspect I am both.
Laughing to myself, I picked up my basket again; ignoring the strange looks coming from the other workers. [222]
The Zero Division: We'll Nuke your Imagination
A guild that focuses on art and creative writing.
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