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 Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 3:11 pm
This is the first book I ever wrote. Give me suggestions in how you feel I can improve on it with specific details. I will write paragraph by paragraph. I am hoping if it is good enough, when it is perfected, then I can maybe join the fanfiction site and place my stories there in their true form.
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Prologue:
Cynthia Anne Radiance also known as Cindy was approximately 5 feet in height and weighed about 115 pounds. She had shoulder length wavy brown hair with matching brown eyes. She was also seventeen years of age. Cindy enjoyed talking on the phone with her friends and playing guitar. One great feature about Cynthia was that she was an honors student at Hamster City High school taking thity-level courses in grade twelve. Another great feature about Cynthia was that she had a beautiful voice. She could sing like an angel and even looked like one. The best feature about Cindy, however, was her raidant smile. This outrageous smile of hers was what attracted her boyfriend, Jonathan Bogard, to her.
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Now, what did you think of this paragraph of my first book?
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 10:23 pm
It's good but one thing. Yes This paragraph is about Cindy, but, when you bring in new ideas they should become new Paragraphs. I have a little story I'll be putting up in a second. You can take a look see if you want. But yah, if your doing her physical discription first keep it that way then go to personality, so on and so forth.
I also noticed the second time reading it, you are talking about Cindy as if she had died. Cindy is seventeen years old, not was. Was in that case refers to if she died or if she's now alot older, like thirty-four.
So yah those are suggestions, I think. But overall, it's great.
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 4:18 pm
Okay, thank you. Cindy was 17 at the time. She's a lot older now and it is spoken in past tense. So, you figure change it to present tense and then space out Paragraphs.
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 4:22 pm
Prologue:
Cynthia Anne Radiance also known as Cindy is approximately 5 feet in height and weighs about 115 pounds. She has shoulder length wavy brown hair with matching brown eyes. She is also seventeen years of age.
Cindy enjoys talking on the phone with her friends and playing guitar.
One great feature about Cynthia is that she is an honors student at Hamster City High school taking thity-level courses in grade twelve. Another great feature about her is that she has a beautiful voice. The best feature about her, however, is her raidant smile. This outrageous smile of hers is what attracts her boyfriend, Jonathan Bogard, to her.
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That does sound better, thank you!
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:58 pm
*bows slightly* I write stories, well parts of stories... I have a box of unfinished stories somewhere... But yah I like to write, so I've gotten the hang of writing things, I write stroies, poems, descriptive paragraphs, essays. So yah I'm like a super weird english nut that types really fast and hits the send button and spells words funny xD
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Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:26 pm
So, is what I wrote better?
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Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 10:31 am
Much, maybe I should be an english teacher when I'm older. Heh, wouldn't be to hard.
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Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 9:24 pm
Um...well, maybe...but your story was kinda shallow when I read it. I only need a bit of help sometimes. Like these books, the two I have displayed thus far were already completed that I had written.
The idea for this first book of eight came about when I was seven years old as a result of a dream and a cosplay I did at one of my ex-friend's place.
My third one, when I write its title and the inital paragraph, you will want to read more.
That is why I am displaying my book in sections. The full story will be on fanfiction.net though.
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Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 10:42 pm
I did it for school not cause I wanted to. In my school the shallower the better cause I got the highest grade and my story was the longest. Like I said I'll probably write up a longer one with more details.
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Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 9:02 am
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